Things that hurt like hell!!

Hey... Sorry i haven't been around lately. I've been having a lot on my mind. From grad to losing friends!! If you ask me... my week just isn't good!! To top that off, family shit and a lot more... grad is this Friday as well.

So let's get to the point... What are the things that hurt the most?

You can ask any girl and they would say...

"Breaking up"
"Stress"
"Losing a best friend"
"Over thinking to the point where you make yourself sick"


What happens if almost all of those things happened to you in the span of a weekend? It did for me. But I'm only going to talk about one thing, 'cause this thing just happened to me.

.I lost one of my best friend.

You would think that after 3 years she would take into consideration that sometimes I just mess up. I mean, I don't try to be a bad friend. I was always there for her when she asked me to be there. I helped her through some of her most difficult times and I get this.

She tells me over text that we can no longer be friends 'cause she's had enough of everything that I do. That whenever she needs her 'best friend', I'm not there. Telling me that I'm a bad friend over text. ALL OF IT. Then she pulls my boyfriend into it and says that he talks to her more then I did.

I loved her for her. For everything. Every flaw. Everything that she did, I stood by her. Then she goes and tells me that I don't talk to her any more? I asked her the last 4 weekends to hang out and have a sleepover and she always blew me off and told me that she was busy. She tells me that I never talked to her? I guess my twin was talking to her then.

Why would someone do that to their friend? Did I fuck up so badly that she had to cut it off so she wouldn't get hurt any more? Well take this into consideration...

Here I am. Writing my heart out to my blog watchers (if any one cares out there). I'm crying my eyes out silently while I'm on the phone with one of my other friends. She's trying to calm me down and get my head back on straight. I didn't do anything to get this put onto me, did I? I've been trying to pass high school and I finally have a boy friend that I think really loved me. I've been trying to get my weight back up. Currently I weigh only 115. I Was getting my grads up, fixed things with my other best friend. Was having an amazing time, smiling and laughing and now this.

But this isn't the only thing that had her mad at me. She was mad at me 'cause I was going to grad with a guy that 'hurt' me. Which he didn't, just for the record.

I'm starting to get sick and tired of helping people. Of trying to take their pain away and putting it on myself so they don't have to feel it. I'm starting to fear losing everyone else, 'cause I might do this again. I love helping my friends so they don't have to hurt. 'Cause I know what it's like to shatter and fall to the floor. I know how it feels to be stepped on and then have yourself ground into the floor by their foot. I don't want to feel this way, but here I am.

Just another shattered mirror with no chance of being fixed again.

the timid little girl

Hey there... I've been busy, sorry.

So, lets get straight to the point. What your parents do in the span of your life that you live with them, directly impact what you do. It impacts what you do, feel, how you see... everything. Your parents could be timid people, scared of everything. Maybe their people that like doing a lot of different things. Needless to say, what they do to you wears off.

I used to be very close to my father, loved him to bits. Went to movies every weekend and lunch. Went to car shows and water parks... we where inseparable!! So why did that change? Why did all of the sudden that perfect, happy, calm child hood just drop off the face of my world and just end. Why did I end up yelling and screaming at him, fighting to get my word in and crying after he throughs a fit and stops talking? How did everything just turn to shit?

Did I do something to deserve this? Did I grow up so fast that he thought that everything I said was a lie or just another load of teen-age bullshit? Someone answer me this freaking riddle 'cause I have no clue on how to solve it.

I can't get a single word in without him saying I'm wrong, or that I'm lying. I don't need that shit. I'm not lying, sure I don't tell him everything but thats 'cause I'm now scared of him. I've had enough of fighting to get my word in or having to scream at him for him to hear me. No, I'm not a careless teen. Sure, I've tried shit that I'm not proud of, but I don't do it any more! I stopped 'cause i didn't want to hurt him.

You know that song from Taylor Swift? Mine. That one line that says Careless mans, careful daughter? Well, thats me. But that first part, You fell in love, sadly enough, hasn't happened yet.

I'm closer to my mom now. I try to stay away from my dad... I still love him though. I always will. I'm just scared, scared that I'm going to let him down one day. We still laugh and smile, but I say the wrong thing and its all gone. Again. And you know that other song from Taylor? Never grow up?

That's me.

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

The beautiful girl

It was late at night, around 10. 
I was standing at the bus stop, trying to shelter from the rain with my bag pack.
It wasn't long until the bus came, and I got in.

I sat and looked outside the window, I had a long ride waiting.
Few other people were in, some got off, and others got on.

As we approached a bus stop, I could see a girl standing under the rain. 
She had short hair, and was wearing a red coat.
She looked beautiful.

She got on the bus, and sat beside me.
It was not long before she sparked a conversation.
I didn't mind a friendly chat, besides, this way I could look her in the eyes without seeming like a creep.
She had beautiful eyes.

We talked about the bus system, it was a good starter.
She told me she had been waiting for over an hour, and that even one had passed but completely ignored her.
We ranted about our buses for a while.

She then asked me where I was going, I told her where I lived - I've always enjoyed talking about it,
I'm proud of my beautiful neighborhood.
She payed close attention to everything I said.
Now that I remember, asides from ranting about the bus, she was overall quiet.

Suddenly she leaned her head on my shoulder and smiled.
"You're a very nice person."
I tried to move away, because I didn't want her to get wet.
Once more I stared outside the window, she grabbed my left hand.

I think she could feel my stop was near.
I smiled, and counted the stops.
I wanted her contact info, her name... but for some reason I just kept counting.
I was never good at those things, even if she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

It was only a few more stops, she held my hand tight.
She was warm, and it felt nice. But soon it begun to hurt.
Just as I thought my hand was burning, the bus arrived at my stop.

I stood up, and waved goodbye. 
She didn't look at me, though. Just gave me a smile.

I walked home quickly.
Once I was in, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat.
I realized my left hand was freezing, I could no longer feel anything more than a slight burn.
I made sure to warm it up.

Then I went to bed, and fell asleep thinking about her beautiful eyes.

New Vampire Diaries Review

Sorry for not being on lately.

So last night was the long awaited new Vampire Diaries episode.

Me personally, having to wait for 4 weeks made it worth the wait. We finally get to see that Damon has a soft side, not something that he shows a lot. Giving him a little spot light in this episode was kewl to. If you ask me it was pretty good.

Props to CW for getting amazing actors and amazingly good looking ones to :)

It was a sad ending. The girl playing Rose was an amazing actress, I wish she had lasted longer. She made you think that she really was in pain, thats talent. It was a sad way to go, but she pulled it off dam good. If you have someone that hates the whole idea of Vampire Diaries watching it and asking what is going on and who is who, then they did their job!!

For me it would have been better if Paul Wesley had more camera time, but it was still good. I got to see him shirtless!!!!

Rating:★★★★★ 5 Stars!!!!     

Enjoy

   

Little poems to say I'm 'fine'

Going going.

_{my mascara stains the front of his shirt,} 

          _{(why did i put makeup on in the first place?)}

_{he holds me too long,} 

          _{(don't let go don't le t  g   o   )}

_{he climbs into the car,}

          _{(why did we rent one? if we hadn't rented it you would miss your flight and then-)}

_{i'm waving as he pulls away,}

          _{(save me, please, don't turn, change your mind)}

_{the steering wheel turns again,} 

          _{(wrong way, that's the wrong direction-)}

_{he's gone.}

          _{(and cue the breaking heart.)}

I am me.

_{it's a weird thing to have the soul sucked out of you.} 

_{the air is hard and raspy as you breathe}

_{and you're choking on your own throat} 

_{and your lungs are cold and quaking inside your chest}

_{and you can feel the goosebumps on them.} 

_{they feel almost not there}

_{but they are}

_{because they're cold and freezing while}

_{sweat pours out of every part of you}

_{and then i'm on the ground}

_{and i try to swallow the lump called air}

_{but it keeps getting stuck}

_{and i'm suffocating with an open mouth.} 

_{then i exhale}

_{and my lungs collapse}

_{and the air is still stuck in my esophagus;} 

_hard.

_scratchy.

_small. 

_bumpy. 

_{and the tears get stained on my skin.}

You say we’re both little.

so i have these days

where i want to seem more interesting

so i'll do something silly 

like running 2 miles after an ice cream truck

like falling as i try to climb onto my roof to look at the sun

like sitting with knees touching and my feet touching my hips

         and i think that makes me sort of special.

then i realize that i'm trying to be interesting like that other girl.

         so i stop. 

and i give up after 2 blocks

and i stare at my ceiling instead

[and i still sit like that cause it's really comfortable]

and i deal with being kind-of-not-really special. 

because everyone is like no one and no one is like anyone

because no one doesn't exist

and these are the days

         where i feel like i have the world in my hands

and i like the way it looks.

Fuckin' Perfect

Don't let anything get you down!! This song is my life right now... I wont become something I'm not any more!! I will see myself the way that I am. There is no real meaning of perfect, there are millions of different perfects!!

Don't feeling like your nothing just because someone doesn't like you or something!! Everyone has their on and off days. There could be a really good year,month, week, day, hour or minuet, and the only thing that matters is that you take it for what it is. Don't let other people tell you what to do, their not the boss of your life. Your the one that is holding the pen.

Life is hard. There is not freaking road map saying turn here to get a boyfriend, or here for money. There are going to be silly little mistakes that are going to happen, and their there to teach you what to do. Don't second guess yourself, it's the worse thing that you can do to yourself. Yes, there are going to be people that don't like you. There are going to be those stupid little bitches that are just there to fuck up your perfect moment. Their just going to make you scared to try and stand out.

Stand there one day and listen to the people around you. There are going to be so many things that your going to hear under everything. Someone could look really happy, but if there's something wrong in their life you can tell from their voice.

Everyone is going to make a wrong turn and fuck stuff up. There are going to be wars that your going to have to fight on your on and your going to miss treated. But don't let it slow you down or second guess yourself.

People will tell you that you suck and that you need to change. They will tell you to do that or you can't be friends. Don't listen to them, you'll just end up being filled with hatred. Listen to that little voice in the back of you head. Bit fear in the ass and always remember that your not less then perfect.

Your perfect to your own life set!!

The perfect guy game!!

OK!! 'ello again!!

Jess is here to give you an amazing game to play with your best friends in your life. This is a game normally played with a friend at a sleepover. Can be played if you DO OR DON'T have a boyfriend.
(Guys can also play but with it being the perfect girl)

Now, when your playing this game, make sure it's you and your best friend. Not just a friend, they need to know you inside out!! What your personality is like and all your in's and out's.

For example me and my husband (Steph) will play and show you ours.

Steph:
Hair: Strawberry blond, light brown
Eye colour: Blue
Skin: Simi-tan
Body: Muscular but not to much
Hight: 5'7, 5'8
Age: No more then year older or younger
Smile: Cute smile that makes you smile when he does
Personality: Fun loving, kinda care free but strict when it is needed. Someone that knows the right thing to say when your in a bad mood. Has small little quarks. A loving person
Likes: some of the things you like but not everything
Dislikes: Cocky people, self centred bitches
What he has to put up with: Obsessive need to be right
Friend tolerance: Medium. Doesn't have to fully like them but has to like them enough
Music likes: Anything that I like, but can his own likes
Others: Has to like kids

Jess:

Hair: brown or black

Eye colour: green

Skin: pale 

Body: ripped lol beautiful physique, but kinda chubby, kinda cute muscular

Hight: tall enough to have to go on your toes to kiss him

Age: year older

Smile: kinda crooked, so that it melts your heart

Personality: always there, protective, allows quirks, comforts when needed, understands feelings

Likes: art, music, reading, plays guitar and writes you songs, likes goofing off, but till maintains maturity

Dislikes: people that hurt me, 

What he has to put up with: friend initiation, me and my faults

Friend tolerance: supremely extremely high. must get through Bria, Steph and Erin

Music likes: anything but rap. i hate rap. 

Others: has to have first aid skills, and yeah, thats pretty much it lol

So there you have it people!! Those are our dream boys... try it yourself!! Jess OUT!! 

P.S- the drawing is me... I got bored!!

thought after a good nights sleep

OK!! HEY!! It's Jess... I had a good rest, thinking over shit kinda thing lol


So here it all is!!


Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you don't know exactly what is wrong either?


GIRL LANGUAGE

-> if i dont text you :
( its because im waiting for you to text me .. )

-> when i walk away from you mad :
( follow me )

-> when i push or hit you :
( grab me @ dont let go )

-> when im quiet :
( ask me what's wrong.. )

-> when i ignore you :
( give me your attention .. )

-> when i PUSH YOU AWAY .. :
( pull me BACK )

-> when you see me crying :
( wipe my tears w/ ur handkerchip )


BE OPTIMISTIC- All the people you hate are eventually going to die.
Dear; eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. Do your job.
When a girl cries for a guy, it means she really misses him But when a guy cries for a girl,it means no one can love that girl more than him.


Elementary School- *crying* I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK!!! 
Middle School- I didn't do it... 
High School- We had homework?
College- *up until 3 in the morning cramming* I'm fucked


Life's what we make of it. We can achieve everything and climb the highest mountain if we simply remain positive even in the darkest moments.
YOU make me smile when I’m sad. YOU make me laugh when I’m glad. But most of all.. YOU make me special when I’m NOT.


No matter what love throws at you have to believe in it. You have to believe in loves stories&prince charming&happily ever afters. -T. Swift.


Memories make us who we are. Dreams make us who we will become.

I feel shattered... So shattered...

Hey... It's Jess.

It's funny how everything can shatter at the slightest thing changed in your day. How everything could be running so smoothly and then with one thing it's all gone. No smiling and laughing or singing with power.

I can't believe that I could really see myself being fine. Just getting up every morning not having to put on a fake smile to get through that day. Being a happy girl for once in a long time, but I couldn't have been more wrong. I could't have predicated what happened to me, and if I could have, I would have turned my cell off. I would have stood there with a smile on my face as I sang my part, looking over at each one of my friends with a true smile across my lips.

But does any one know how hard that is to do? How hard it is to stand up tall and strong after being beaten down? To stand up tall and look strong when your so broken it hurts to breath?

Well you know what? I don't want to be the girl that puts on a fake smile. I’ll yell & scream and show everyone how I’m feeling because I’m not the kind of girl who pretends just to make everyone else happy. You CAN’T make everyone happy all the time. Yeah, like every other person out there I’ve had my fair share of demons, but I’m not on the verge of tears all the time because of it. I smile. I laugh. I chose to be happy because I’m not going to waste my time being miserable because of some boy. I’ve been heart broken. I’ve broken hearts. But we’ve just got to move on. You can’t turn back the clock, so live in the moment. Live every second like it’s your last; have as much fun as you can - live it up - because you’re only young once. Try to make amends with friends who you’ve had stupid drama with while you can, before it’s too late. You’re all young, you all deserve to be happy, you’ve all had a past; but that shouldn’t stop you from living.

Any way hope your day is super-maga-foxy-awesome-hot!!

Early morning blues...

Well... I guess I'm back again.

So as I'm writing this it is about; 7:00... AM!! This is so freaking boring. Plus if you looked at the title... I'm having early morning blues.

Have you ever had to sit at the school for 3 hours before school? Sitting in the hall way or in the gathering area, doing shit all with your morning. Isn't it even worse that you can't go somewhere because you don't have a fucking car??

MY little morning today consists of sitting here on my Lab top, writing this and looking for kewl love quotes on twitter!! Not saying thats all I'm doing... I'm also listening to music and trying to find something better so that my mind wont go to mush.

Hows that turning out for me: Not to well... 
Am I starting to think I'm dying: Not yet but close... 

This is about the time that I want to go hit my head against a cement wall. 'Cause it is not only 'cause of my mother and father that I'm here, it is not 7:21 AM. You would think I could find something a little better to do then sit in the hall way by the band room in my school and just sit here.

Don't you find it so annoying when there are things that you want to do but you have no way of going and doing that? My mom had to be work at for for 7, she got there at 7:15. My dad left the house at 6AM. I can't understand how parents can get up to freaking early in the morning and still look alive. Most of the time my parents are alive, me on the other hand. I'm walking up the stairs from my room in the basement, covering my eyes, saying the light is to bright. Then as I get ready (hair, make-up, outfit etc.) I still don't wake up. I'm still not fully awake as I'm writing this... but I'm getting there.

I get to school at around 7... every morning. The only days I DON"T have band are tuesday and thursday... wonderful week 'eh? Even then I'm still here at 7, 'cause I live out of town. Don't you just gotta love you parents choses in life?

And then... I dunno if any of my readers are House Of Night lovers, but the new book Awakened is out today!! I asked my mom if I could get it, 'cause every time a new HON (House Of Night) book comes, I get it the day it comes out. So I walk up to my mom this morning and ask (still in PJ's may I add). Mom starts to think about and then my dick of a father, walks into the kitchen and freaking says no... NO!! How could he do that to me??

IT'S HOUSE OF NIGHT!!!! *runs around in circles and runs into wall*

My life as I know it is over. No more HON... or vampires. Oh my beloved vampires, how I shall miss you. How I will miss the beautiful darkness of you existence, the way you suck off of the living to stay alive. But don't we all do it... *rambles on and on*

I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to fully awake up!! This is getting annoying... plus my butt is getting numb!! So I'm gonna cut it off here...

BYE!!!

P.S- Save the vampire's!!!!