Little poems to say I'm 'fine'

Going going.

_{my mascara stains the front of his shirt,} 

          _{(why did i put makeup on in the first place?)}

_{he holds me too long,} 

          _{(don't let go don't le t  g   o   )}

_{he climbs into the car,}

          _{(why did we rent one? if we hadn't rented it you would miss your flight and then-)}

_{i'm waving as he pulls away,}

          _{(save me, please, don't turn, change your mind)}

_{the steering wheel turns again,} 

          _{(wrong way, that's the wrong direction-)}

_{he's gone.}

          _{(and cue the breaking heart.)}

I am me.

_{it's a weird thing to have the soul sucked out of you.} 

_{the air is hard and raspy as you breathe}

_{and you're choking on your own throat} 

_{and your lungs are cold and quaking inside your chest}

_{and you can feel the goosebumps on them.} 

_{they feel almost not there}

_{but they are}

_{because they're cold and freezing while}

_{sweat pours out of every part of you}

_{and then i'm on the ground}

_{and i try to swallow the lump called air}

_{but it keeps getting stuck}

_{and i'm suffocating with an open mouth.} 

_{then i exhale}

_{and my lungs collapse}

_{and the air is still stuck in my esophagus;} 

_hard.

_scratchy.

_small. 

_bumpy. 

_{and the tears get stained on my skin.}

You say we’re both little.

so i have these days

where i want to seem more interesting

so i'll do something silly 

like running 2 miles after an ice cream truck

like falling as i try to climb onto my roof to look at the sun

like sitting with knees touching and my feet touching my hips

         and i think that makes me sort of special.

then i realize that i'm trying to be interesting like that other girl.

         so i stop. 

and i give up after 2 blocks

and i stare at my ceiling instead

[and i still sit like that cause it's really comfortable]

and i deal with being kind-of-not-really special. 

because everyone is like no one and no one is like anyone

because no one doesn't exist

and these are the days

         where i feel like i have the world in my hands

and i like the way it looks.